Sunday, November 23, 2008


So I'm totally going to steal a daughter from one of my friends. I have three possible choices in mind. Two of the girls, L and D, are under five and pretty darned feisty. I'm not sure I'm up for that. I can barely handle the child I have on some days, and stealing a second one with that kind of fire might be more than I can handle. Especially since there's the whole running from the law, obtaining new identities, and convincing my new daughter that everything is on the up and up and no, really, your parents know you're with me and are totally OK with it stuff. I'm pretty lazy and I'm guessing all that could cut into my me time. And man, would my laundry pile up while on the run. But anyway. My third option, M, is nine and a half, and my oh my, do I love her. Not to say I don't love the the other two just as much, but my oldest (heh) and I just click. She's sweet and thoughtful and easy to get along with. She's older, so she's a little less work than the younger girls. She could probably fold her own laundry....

I'm guessing not a one of the three would be easily convinced that I'm their new mommy. And probably posting all my nefarious plans on a blog isn't the best move when you're planning on stealing your friends' children. Especially since they read said blog....Hmmm....I guess I need to rethink this whole thing. But back to my wanting a daughter....Since there's only BW, and he's, well, a boy, I don't get to do girly things like dolls and dresses and makeup. I feel left out. I have always wanted a daughter...we had a name picked out and everything. Since there are no more children in our future, I've got designs on my friends' children instead. A completely rational decision, I assure you.

I'm kidding about all of this, of course. Child snatching really isn't my thing, so I've come up with an alternative solution. BW is just going to have to marry one of these three girls. Any one will do, I'll let him pick. See? I'm not a monster. The thing is, I have these horrible thoughts about BW marrying someone we don't really like. Yes, I do spend my time thinking about these sorts of thing. Which may be why I don't have the time or energy to steal children. Or fold laundry. I realize that BW is only seven, but still, it pays to be proactive. Some people may think that it's obsessive and weird, but I prefer to think of myself as a planner. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, that's my motto. That and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Sorry. I just watched The Princess Bride with one of my future daughter-in-laws.

But back to the topic at hand. I think about what I would do if BW married someone we really couldn't stand. I'm lucky in that I get along pretty well with my mil. We're not super close, but there really aren't any problems so I have no experience in this area at all. What would it be like if BW married some horrible bitch? I mean, how would that work, exactly? How would my relationship with BW be? How can you have a good relationship with your child if you don't like their significant other? Is it possible? It really worries me sometimes. So in order to keep myself out of jail and to maintain a fantastic relationship with my son, I'll just pick a few girls out now. When he's seven. Nothing wrong with having an arranged marriage. I can see the value in choosing your child's spouse. It makes things easier down the road. It's not weird, it's just being prepared. Now if I can just convince everyone else of this....

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