Friday, November 28, 2008

That's what she said

M1 and I are HUGE fans of The Office. We watch the show and email each other our favorite quotes. Things like "Always go for the eyes. The eyes are like the groin of the head." And of course, Michael's always inappropriate one liner, "That's what she said." Right now, M1 and I are on this 'that's what she said' kick. Our conversations pretty much go like this:

(At the grocery store.)
"Which cranberry sauce should I buy?"
"I don't know, which kind do you like?"
"I'm not sure, but there's jellied and -"
"Hey! Look at this box of -"
"Will you shut up and look at these?!"
"That's what she said!"
(Snorting, hysterical laughter.)

And like this:
(In the Olive Garden bathroom.)
"Wow. This bathroom really stinks."
"Yeah, but it doesn't stink like poo. More like sewer or something."
"Well there is a giant hole right here...."
"That's what she said!!"
(Snorting, hysterical laughter.)

Or sometimes like this:
(Snorting, hysterical laughter.)
"Stop making me laugh!!"
"That's what she said!"
"Oh my god!!! Stop!! I can't breathe! It hurts inside"
"That's what she said!!!!!"
(More snorting, hysterical laughter.)

As you can see, we're easily amused. Most of our days together are filled with laughing so hard it's painful. For some reason, we just set each other off. I know it's not really funny out of context but man oh man do we laugh. There was an entire trip where we laughed so hard we cried because we ate something funky and had really bad gas. Instead of saying 'excuse me' and blushing a little like ladies, one of us (ok, me) just started singing 'it's too late to apologize' under our breath. Yes, I apparently have the sense of humor of an adolescent boy.

Which is probably why I found the Goth Name Generator so damn funny. Thank you Zenmomma's Garden for posting this little gem. I put in my name and came got back Transylvania Tranny. Something about my real, actual name screams eastern European transsexual. Who knew? None of the other name generators were even mildly amusing, although one of them seemed to be a creepy porn advertisement link. I clicked on it to see what my Tourette's name would be (totally unpublishable, by the way) and immediately had to avert my virgin eyes. Apparently the people in charge of advertising links equated Tourette's with naked women. I hate it when that kind of stuff happens.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


We drove to AZ yesterday. It was a long day - we had to get up early so MM could go to work for a half day, and then drive for nearly twelve hours to get where we needed to be. Twelve longgg hours. And I realized something on this trip. My husband and son are taking my joy of road tripping and strangling the ever loving crap out of it. Picture my joy lying dead on the side of the road, somewhere near Globe, like roadkill. My family has smooshed my joy.

I also realized yesterday it wasn't just my family conspiring to kill my joy. It was the whole freaking universe. While my husband and son practiced for both tandem and solo Olympic freestyle whining, we figured out there isn't a single Starbucks between El Paso and Tucson. Not. A. Single. One. Which would have been fine if we hadn't of passed up a brazillion of them in El Paso, not stopping because we were in the middle of holiday rush hour. And then, when it was my turn to choose music on my Zune, the batteries died. And the charger wouldn't work. And then my CD player quit working about 60 miles from the nearest radio signal.

How on earth did I get saddled with a husband and son who hate car trips? What is this punishment for, exactly? I've decided that my only option is to never get in the car with them again. Which means I'll be staying in AZ until I can figure out a way home. I'm not really sure what else can be done. I'll have to stay here at my mother's, which brings a whole other basket of troubles. Like the fact that she decided to make bacon this morning for breakfast. I love bacon. Looooovvve it. Unfortunately, I'm trying to go vegan for health reasons. Thanks, mom. ;O)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Giving Away Our Christmas

Last year I spent Christmas afternoon venting to my mother about what a spoiled brat my son was being that day. I have no memory of what he did to set me off, but I remember being really pissed. I also distinctly remember swearing to the heavens that next Christmas would not be the same. I wanted to start volunteering our time, talking more to BW about giving to others, about how lucky we are to be healthy and housed and fed and safe and secure. I was thinking today that I failed to do this, but then I realized I was wrong.

BW and I have talked a lot about how lucky our family is and how thankful we should be for the things we have. We volunteered our home, love, and time to take in my newborn nephew for the first seven months of his life while his mom served jail and prison rehab time, which ended in tears thanks to my crazy bitch of an ex-sister-in-law. (I'm not bitter. I'm not bitter. I'm not bitter.)

So today when my friend mentioned that another family they know was "giving away" their Christmas to a family that needed it more, I thought it sounded like a very cool idea. I wasn't sure BW would go for it, and we had already scoured the toy catalogs and talked about gifts this year. I figured he'd be really upset, and I wasn't sure I was prepared to do that to him after getting him all hyped about the holiday.

I was pleasantly surprised. We talked about how we have so much already and about how we tend to buy gifts for each other and toys year round just because. We talked about what Christmas is really supposed to be about and how there are so many others out there who are in need. And BW said he thought it was a great idea. He said it would be hard for him to not get any presents since he was already so excited about it, but he wanted to give our Christmas away, too. We decided we would all sit down as a family and decide exactly what we wanted to do, and then make sure to do it all together.

MM is on board with it so we'll be doing some thinking over t-day weekend. We're going to AZ for the holiday, so we'll have a nice, lonnnggg car ride to discuss it. But this year I'm really looking forward to Christmas. I'm excited about starting a new tradition. I'm excited to spend December thinking about others, instead of just our immediate family and friends. We've been bad about this in the past. I'm looking forward to a whole different holiday experience.

I think it'll probably be rough on BW when all his friends get gifts and he doesn't, but I think he really wants to do this and he'll get through the difficult bits. And let's face it, Christmas has become a holiday celebrating consumerism, it'll be good for us to take some time off once a year.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


So I'm totally going to steal a daughter from one of my friends. I have three possible choices in mind. Two of the girls, L and D, are under five and pretty darned feisty. I'm not sure I'm up for that. I can barely handle the child I have on some days, and stealing a second one with that kind of fire might be more than I can handle. Especially since there's the whole running from the law, obtaining new identities, and convincing my new daughter that everything is on the up and up and no, really, your parents know you're with me and are totally OK with it stuff. I'm pretty lazy and I'm guessing all that could cut into my me time. And man, would my laundry pile up while on the run. But anyway. My third option, M, is nine and a half, and my oh my, do I love her. Not to say I don't love the the other two just as much, but my oldest (heh) and I just click. She's sweet and thoughtful and easy to get along with. She's older, so she's a little less work than the younger girls. She could probably fold her own laundry....

I'm guessing not a one of the three would be easily convinced that I'm their new mommy. And probably posting all my nefarious plans on a blog isn't the best move when you're planning on stealing your friends' children. Especially since they read said blog....Hmmm....I guess I need to rethink this whole thing. But back to my wanting a daughter....Since there's only BW, and he's, well, a boy, I don't get to do girly things like dolls and dresses and makeup. I feel left out. I have always wanted a daughter...we had a name picked out and everything. Since there are no more children in our future, I've got designs on my friends' children instead. A completely rational decision, I assure you.

I'm kidding about all of this, of course. Child snatching really isn't my thing, so I've come up with an alternative solution. BW is just going to have to marry one of these three girls. Any one will do, I'll let him pick. See? I'm not a monster. The thing is, I have these horrible thoughts about BW marrying someone we don't really like. Yes, I do spend my time thinking about these sorts of thing. Which may be why I don't have the time or energy to steal children. Or fold laundry. I realize that BW is only seven, but still, it pays to be proactive. Some people may think that it's obsessive and weird, but I prefer to think of myself as a planner. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, that's my motto. That and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Sorry. I just watched The Princess Bride with one of my future daughter-in-laws.

But back to the topic at hand. I think about what I would do if BW married someone we really couldn't stand. I'm lucky in that I get along pretty well with my mil. We're not super close, but there really aren't any problems so I have no experience in this area at all. What would it be like if BW married some horrible bitch? I mean, how would that work, exactly? How would my relationship with BW be? How can you have a good relationship with your child if you don't like their significant other? Is it possible? It really worries me sometimes. So in order to keep myself out of jail and to maintain a fantastic relationship with my son, I'll just pick a few girls out now. When he's seven. Nothing wrong with having an arranged marriage. I can see the value in choosing your child's spouse. It makes things easier down the road. It's not weird, it's just being prepared. Now if I can just convince everyone else of this....

Monday, November 17, 2008

My Weekend Away

I got back yesterday evening after attending a weekend Bravewriter conference in Wichita Falls, TX. Three of us went - one lady I'd never met, and M2. It was a great weekend! No kids, no stress, good coffee and good conversation, book stores and pleasant meals out, and the conference, of course. I really enjoyed the time away, and the conference was a good experience. I came away from it freshly inspired to teach BW to write not only competently, but (hopefully) painlessly.

I also learned how to say midwifery, which brought me gads of pleasure. I had always assumed it was pronounced like midwife with an 'er-y' on the end. Turns out I was wrong. It's pronounced like whiff. Go ahead, say it out loud. Midwifery. Fun, isn't it? I won't even tell you how many times I repeated it under my breath throughout the weekend, you'd probably think me crazy.

There's really not much more going on in my life right now...I've registered for school and only changed my mind on what classes to take once. Sadly, that's probably some sort of record for me. I've been known to change classes up until the first day. Of course, there's still time for that. If you haven't guessed it yet, I have a commitment problem - I still haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up, so I tend to waffle a lot when it comes to picking classes. But as of today I am all registered, and I'm just not going to think about any of it until January, when it's time to buy my books. I'm going to spend the next two months focusing on BW, MM, the upcoming birthdays and holidays, and our tenth anniversary. That's really quite enough, thank you very much.

So I'm off to research tenth anniversary gifts. I've already warned my husband that I'm expecting something good this year, and that he'd better devote some time to figuring out a decent gift for a change. A gift worthy of the ten years we've been married. My husband is of the 'wait until the last minute and then buy her a pillow at 11 pm on Mother's Day' persuasion. I'm mean seriously...a pillow? He said he couldn't think of anything else.

I personally love gift shopping. I love trying to find the right thing for someone. And I know that it's all supposed to be about making someone else happy, giving from the heart, totally selfless, blah blah blah. But I will admit there is a little part of me who feels like if I make this big effort to find a great gift, it would be really nice if the people in my life would reciprocate the effort. Doesn't have to be an expensive gift, just thoughtful. See, I'm not asking much, right? You'd think I'd asked for my own island. Which would not be a bad gift, come to think of it. Expensive, but I promise you it would be deeply appreciated...providing it's a tropical island. I don't like the cold. And it doesn't have to be big or anything. A couple of square miles is fine, really. You know, big enough for a house, a small staff, some nice beaches. A guest house or two for visitors. In case anyone's wondering.

But anyway, MM is on notice that this year it's important to me, we've discussed spending limits to keep things under control, and I've outlined my expectations to him. He has no excuses this time. I have faith he'll figure something out this year. Wish me luck.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I'm getting lazy

OK, I've changed the format of the 1/2 marathon, as well as the name....I'm thinking with as little walking as I'm actually doing, the 1/2 marathon is not gonna happen. Instead, I'll change it into a daily exercise log. I am still exercising...not as much as I'd like, but at least I'm doing SOMETHING..... Which is more than I was doing before.

Another thing I'm trying is texting all my meals/calorie counts to a friend who is trying to monitor those types of things for herself as well. M1 has been my best friend since 8th grade, and we've gone through a lot together - boyfriends, breakups, moves, pregnancy and child raising, and now this...eating healthy...the ultimate challenge. Heh. So far it's working well, and as M1 texted me last night, it's a good thing we have affordable texting plans. Alltel my circle unlimited texting is coming in handy right about now. I've just got to get a better phone, this T9 deal is a PITA.

I'm also going out of town this weekend. I'm pretty excited. I'm heading off to a Bravewriter conference. It's my first home schooling conference of any type, and I'm thrilled beyond belief. I wouldn't be going if not for my lovely friend M2 (I've got to think of some better nicknames for these people). She very generously offered to sponsor my trip by paying for my share of gas and the hotel room. There's no way I could have swung it otherwise, since Motorman is still driving 200 miles round trip to work each day. Though gas prices have dropped dramatically, we still don't have a lot of extra cash for things like this. She is awesome like that and at some point when our financial situation isn't so icky, I'm kidnapping her away for a weekend of childfree fun to repay her kindness.

Friday, November 7, 2008

My Big Fat Hiney

Ugh....My ass is expanding right before my eyes. Well, not exactly before my eyes, because that would be weird and physically impossible. But it is expanding. It's taking on a life of its own and I'm beginning to fear some sort of hostile takeover. A coup d'buttock, if you will.

I have been doing much better in the exercise department, but in the eating department I'm failing miserably. I'm up quite a bit from my lowest weight, and since I'm one who eats when I'm stressed, bored, or for one of many, many other reasons, it's been a big problem lately. I'm having a hard time getting on track.

I am going to try to work on adding a lot more raw foods into my diet and see if that helps. Eating raw (or mostly raw) has helped in the past. And though I can't see myself completely switching to a raw diet, more fresh veggies and fruits are always a good thing. Between that and my 1/2 marathon training, hopefully the next few months will be the beginning of some positive lifestyle changes.....

So wish me luck...and if I don't post for a while, send help - the seat of power may have changed hands....

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Woo HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!


I can't even describe how I'm feeling right now. Excited, in awe, wondrous about what changes might occur with Obama leading our nation. It's so exciting to see this happening. I have tears in my eyes.

This election has been so nasty, so filled with hate. I'm glad to see it over and done with. I hope that this really is the new beginning, the change, that everyone has been talking about.

Go Obama!!!!!!!