Happy Fifteen

Around 4:30 this afternoon I realized that today is the 15th anniversary of MM and I being together.

Obviously, we had nothing special planned, though thinking back through the years did give us some warm fuzzies.

I can't wait to start on the next fifteen.

I love you, MM!

To All The Married People Out There Still Doing It, Take Two

To All The Married People Out There Still Doing It

This week has been looonnngggg. I have to work today and Monday, then I'm off until the following Saturday, and I can't freakin' wait. Until I have more time to post something more substantial, here's a little of this and that:

We're wanting to start geocaching - is that even the right word?? Anybody have any advice on how to get started?? I'm not even sure how it all works. It looks like it would be fun though, and we'd like to give it a go.

MM and BW carved the most amazing pumpkins - seriously, didn't know they had it in them! MM's is two sided so we can see it from inside, as well as sharing it's amazingness with the public. I'll post pictures if I remember to take some.

Last weekend M1, her sister and kids and I all headed to Tucson for One Republic and Rob Thomas. Rob* came down into the audience and I was about three feet away from him. It was very exciting, and I was all "(SQUEEEEE) OH MY GOD!!!!! ROB!!!!!!!! TOUCH ME, ROB THOMAS!!!!" along with all the other mid-thirty-plus ladies there, because, yes, we are all still apparently fifteen like that.

I'll post a video from the concert later.** I just can't figure out how to make it work before I have to leave.

******

*Because we're on a first name basis like that.

**I apologize for the blog title - it would have made more sense with the video.

Hola!

Wow. I have been neglecting my blog like crazy. But, I actually accomplished something this morning/early afternoon, and I feel as if I can take on a blog post. Yay, me!

I had an essay to write for a class that was due tomorrow. I'm heading for Tucson to see Rob Thomas and One Republic (Awesome.) this afternoon, so I really wanted to have it done today. I'll be home late and have to work tomorrow. I hate finishing things up on the day they're due. I had to work yesterday so I didn't get anything else done. I've been crazy busy.

So, this morning, not only did I get the essay completed, but I finished a final for another class (yay, I'm down to two classes for the semester!!!) and am managing to write a little something for my blog. And I still have time to shower before leaving. Look at me go!

I just have to get through one more week of craziness before having four days off. IN A ROW. I've promised BW they will be devoted 100% to him. Whatever he wants to do. My undivided attention. No school, no work, just us. We can barely wait.

Now I just have to think of something for us to do. We're really wanting to go to Old Tucson, Tombstone and Sierra Vista. Maybe the Caverns. But MM may or may not be working by then (he's got a little something in the works that may pan out by then), and I hate to do that stuff without him. If he can't go, I'd rather do stuff he doesn't care to do with us. And surprisingly, I'm out of ideas. I'd love to go to Texas, but four days just isn't enough time. Any ideas in the NM, AZ, CA, NV, UT area, anyone? Anything that can be done in four days or less, on the cheap?

Now, to totally switch topics, mentally things are a lot better. Thanks to a course of pharmaceutical intervention, I'm feeling like I can handle life again. MM and I have gotten back on track, I feel like I can handle work and school, and being a semi-good* parent to BW. It's been a rough few months, but the tension has lifted. A few more months and I should be able to go to part-time at work, and things will begin to resemble the life I envision. You know, the one where I actually have time to focus on my child and husband?

Also, these last couple of months have shown me what an incredible man my husband is. MM has just been a dream lately. As frustrated and angry as I can sometimes get with him, as depressed and crazy as I've been feeling lately, as unpleasant and, well, downright horribly as I've been acting lately - having a husband who loves you, wants you to be happy, and is willing to do everything in his power to make things right in his marriage to you is a beautiful thing.** I have been able to step back and truly appreciate what a great guy he is. For a while, I think I had forgotten.

So, this was kind of a hodgepodge of topics! Kind of how my mind is working as of late. I actually feel like I want to write again, now that I'm not feeling so desperate. Hopefully things will continue to perk up and I'll start to feel more and more like myself.

*****

*As opposed to the barely there, craptastic parent I've been the last couple o' months.

**Seriously. No one else would take this shit from me. Not only does he put up with it, but he still willingly remains married to me. And claims to enjoy it. Awesome, no? :)

WTF?

So. Just found out my former SIL - Bubby's bio-mom - is pregnant again. This will be number five. The first four currently spread out in three different places across the country.

I gave her six months out of rehab to end up preggers again. It took her five. I should get some sort of prize, don't ya think?

The whole thing is so crushingly, depressingly sad. She called my nephews and announced the news that they were going to have a new brother or sister as if they should be excited about it or something. The father is some jobless fifty year old who sounds like a real winner. He's her third or fourth boyfriend the ten months she's been out.

Can people be forced to have their tubes tied? Can the courts get involved at some point and take away her right to procreate?

Sigh.

Don't Mess With The Giant Squid

"But, like Tom Cruise between movies, the giant squid is camera-shy. And, just like the diminutive actor, Architeuthis dux spends long periods lurking out of sight, surely up to no good, before bursting forth, tentacles flailing, and exercising its alternate belief system. In Mr. Cruise's case, the alternate belief system is Scientology. In the giant squid's case, the alternate belief system is a desire to wrap you in its horrible tentacles and poke you to death with its poisonous beak. There are similarities."

Crying Uncle

I'm neglecting my blog. Between work and school and my family, there just aren't enough hours in the day. And, in all honesty, things have been rough here. I'm having a difficult time dealing with all the changes we've had. More difficult than I would like to admit. I've been angry and bitter and pretty unpleasant to be around. It's taking all the energy I have to just get through my day to day life without completely freaking out on someone.

How's that for a cheerful opening?

Anyway, I've given up trying to talk myself into being happy for all the good things in our life. Not that I'm not thankful. I am. I believe we are, and have been, lucky. We're together, we're not hungry, or homeless, or unhealthy. One of us is working, we have an income.

I'm just not happy. And I'm tired of being unhappy.

It seems so ungrateful and whiny to say that. And while I have no problem sounding ungrateful and whiny to the people who know me really well (and still love me anyway), I have a hard time announcing it to the world. Thus the sporadic blogging.

You see, I have this issue. Well, I have several, but this is the one I'd like to address today: I am at heart a crabby pessimist who really, really wants to be a hippy-happy optimist. I strive to be peaceful and kind and content in all aspects of my life, at all times. And, at times (like now), I fall woefully short. How I want to live my life and how I actually manage to live it aren't always the same. Which, as you would imagine, creates struggle and conflict and unease and anxiety and all of that kind of crap. I'm being pulled apart right now, and it fucking sucks.

I do truly believe that everything will always work itself out, that life is generally good, that people are generally wonderful. But there's always this little snarky piece of me that thinks the exact opposite. With all that has been happening in our lives lately, I've been fighting to feel and live the way I want to - happy and content and grateful - but the angry pessimist deep down in my core is having a field day right now, and I'm losing the whole happiness battle.

I realize now that I have been totally wrapped up in trying to look on the bright side, and in having a really hard time finding it. I've finally decided to accept the fact that when things don't turn out the way you've planned, it really is OK to be disappointed. And sad. And maybe to feel a little pathetic and sorry for yourself.

Maybe if I would have let myself feel that way a couple of months ago, I wouldn't be feeling like I am now. Like I'm about to shatter into a million pieces.

I'm tired of bursting into tears at any random moment. I'm tired of repeating my little mantras of happiness, of making myself listen to happy music, of trying to feel something I'm just not feeling. So last week, I gave myself permission to wallow in the negative. And to seek therapy.

I feel like maybe I'm finally starting to get a handle on things again. Not that everything is suddenly OK again, it's just that now there's a sense of relief. Relief to let go for a while, relief that I'm getting a little professional advice.

A few nights ago M1, C and I went to the Arizona Fall Frenzy* to see Gaven Rossdale (remember Bush?), the B-52's, Jason Mraz and Rob Thomas. Which I've been looking forward to for months, by the way. I'm watching Jason Mraz put on this awesome show, so full of happiness and excitement, and I'm singing/screaming "EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT"** out into the world along with a bazillion other people. And I'm feeling that concert high - you know, out with your friends,*** surrounded by people who are happy and having a good time, listening to this great music.

And it finally clicked a teeny tiny bit. I've lost focus of what's important to me. I've been trying to figure out how to do it all - work full time, go to school, get into nursing school, home school BW, to still do all that and be a good mother and a good wife and a good friend. And you know what? I can't do it. Some people can, maybe I should be able to do it, but I can't. I've known that for a while now, but I've been refusing to face it. I didn't want to give anything up.

Obviously some things have got to change. I'm just not sure exactly what yet. I'm working on that part. Working on deciding what's really, really important to me, what I can put off for a while. Working on letting go and getting back my life. Maybe not exactly the way I want it to be, but close.

On a completely unrelated side note - the B-52's were awesome, but those JumboTron thingies? Not kind to older bands. There was a lot of "Wow! They're getting OLD!" comments in the audience, which I found hilarious. Hellooo! So are we, fans! Those of us there to see the B-52's? We listened to them in high school and college. Remember? About 20 or 30 years ago? Rock Lobster? Came out in the frickin' SEVENTIES. I know! It was ten years old when I started listening to it.****

*****

*While I know that September 18th is technically Fall, this is Phoenix. It was effin' hot. Like, people are dropping over and medics are being called, hot. It's almost as brilliant as scheduling Lollapalooza in the summer. Who plans these things? Have they not heard that we live in a desert?

**Because, YAY! Jason did a Bob Marley cover!!

***The only thing that could have made the moment more perfect was having M2 there. And having Jason Mraz sign my boobs.

****It was a tiny bit devastating to realize I didn't 'discover' the B-52's after all. Damn. The seventies!