Saturday, September 19, 2009

Crying Uncle

I'm neglecting my blog. Between work and school and my family, there just aren't enough hours in the day. And, in all honesty, things have been rough here. I'm having a difficult time dealing with all the changes we've had. More difficult than I would like to admit. I've been angry and bitter and pretty unpleasant to be around. It's taking all the energy I have to just get through my day to day life without completely freaking out on someone.

How's that for a cheerful opening?

Anyway, I've given up trying to talk myself into being happy for all the good things in our life. Not that I'm not thankful. I am. I believe we are, and have been, lucky. We're together, we're not hungry, or homeless, or unhealthy. One of us is working, we have an income.

I'm just not happy. And I'm tired of being unhappy.

It seems so ungrateful and whiny to say that. And while I have no problem sounding ungrateful and whiny to the people who know me really well (and still love me anyway), I have a hard time announcing it to the world. Thus the sporadic blogging.

You see, I have this issue. Well, I have several, but this is the one I'd like to address today: I am at heart a crabby pessimist who really, really wants to be a hippy-happy optimist. I strive to be peaceful and kind and content in all aspects of my life, at all times. And, at times (like now), I fall woefully short. How I want to live my life and how I actually manage to live it aren't always the same. Which, as you would imagine, creates struggle and conflict and unease and anxiety and all of that kind of crap. I'm being pulled apart right now, and it fucking sucks.

I do truly believe that everything will always work itself out, that life is generally good, that people are generally wonderful. But there's always this little snarky piece of me that thinks the exact opposite. With all that has been happening in our lives lately, I've been fighting to feel and live the way I want to - happy and content and grateful - but the angry pessimist deep down in my core is having a field day right now, and I'm losing the whole happiness battle.

I realize now that I have been totally wrapped up in trying to look on the bright side, and in having a really hard time finding it. I've finally decided to accept the fact that when things don't turn out the way you've planned, it really is OK to be disappointed. And sad. And maybe to feel a little pathetic and sorry for yourself.

Maybe if I would have let myself feel that way a couple of months ago, I wouldn't be feeling like I am now. Like I'm about to shatter into a million pieces.

I'm tired of bursting into tears at any random moment. I'm tired of repeating my little mantras of happiness, of making myself listen to happy music, of trying to feel something I'm just not feeling. So last week, I gave myself permission to wallow in the negative. And to seek therapy.

I feel like maybe I'm finally starting to get a handle on things again. Not that everything is suddenly OK again, it's just that now there's a sense of relief. Relief to let go for a while, relief that I'm getting a little professional advice.

A few nights ago M1, C and I went to the Arizona Fall Frenzy* to see Gaven Rossdale (remember Bush?), the B-52's, Jason Mraz and Rob Thomas. Which I've been looking forward to for months, by the way. I'm watching Jason Mraz put on this awesome show, so full of happiness and excitement, and I'm singing/screaming "EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT"** out into the world along with a bazillion other people. And I'm feeling that concert high - you know, out with your friends,*** surrounded by people who are happy and having a good time, listening to this great music.

And it finally clicked a teeny tiny bit. I've lost focus of what's important to me. I've been trying to figure out how to do it all - work full time, go to school, get into nursing school, home school BW, to still do all that and be a good mother and a good wife and a good friend. And you know what? I can't do it. Some people can, maybe I should be able to do it, but I can't. I've known that for a while now, but I've been refusing to face it. I didn't want to give anything up.

Obviously some things have got to change. I'm just not sure exactly what yet. I'm working on that part. Working on deciding what's really, really important to me, what I can put off for a while. Working on letting go and getting back my life. Maybe not exactly the way I want it to be, but close.

On a completely unrelated side note - the B-52's were awesome, but those JumboTron thingies? Not kind to older bands. There was a lot of "Wow! They're getting OLD!" comments in the audience, which I found hilarious. Hellooo! So are we, fans! Those of us there to see the B-52's? We listened to them in high school and college. Remember? About 20 or 30 years ago? Rock Lobster? Came out in the frickin' SEVENTIES. I know! It was ten years old when I started listening to it.****


*While I know that September 18th is technically Fall, this is Phoenix. It was effin' hot. Like, people are dropping over and medics are being called, hot. It's almost as brilliant as scheduling Lollapalooza in the summer. Who plans these things? Have they not heard that we live in a desert?

**Because, YAY! Jason did a Bob Marley cover!!

***The only thing that could have made the moment more perfect was having M2 there. And having Jason Mraz sign my boobs.

****It was a tiny bit devastating to realize I didn't 'discover' the B-52's after all. Damn. The seventies!


Anonymous said...

I miss you so much. I completely understand the kind of sadness that comes from knowing you should be happy and grateful, and yet being unhappy. Where do these "shoulds" come from anyway?

I love you!

lisafer said...

I miss you, too!! :( And I love you! Want to run away with me? I'm about *this* close to wiping out our savings and running away to the Keys. ;)

Zayna said...

Boy do I know what that feels like. And I know how much it sucks. Feeling like there's no good reason to be unhappy but there it is anyway.

I think it does make it worse to not allow ourselves these feelings when they happen. It's like the harder we try to fight them or "rationalize" them away they just get more intense.

Sending you cyberhugs!

lisafer said...

Exactly, Sheri! It's so nice to know other people get it.

Thanks for the cyberhugs! :)