Sunday, December 27, 2009

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Whenever I hear that song, I always sing it 'you can't always get a chihuahua' because that's what it sounds like to me during the choral singing part in the beginning. Is that just me?

So. More things changing here. Or not changing, to be more accurate. MM's job we were hoping he might get he still hasn't officially gotten. Although he's been working as a fill-in for them for about a month now. They're keeping him busy, but not paying well enough for me to head back to TX and finish school. Or for me to stay here and finish school. And him returning to the oil field just didn't pan out the way I thought it might.

I've nearly given up hope in finishing school as a nurse and/or rad tech/ultrasound tech. It's depressing on so many levels. I can't see that we're in a place financially where I can quit the job I have now and go back to being a f/t student. And I can't envision ever being in that place, which is the really suckish part.

I've come to realize that my desire to travel a ton and move from place to place isn't shared at all by my hubby. He's back home here in Phoenix, and is fairly unwilling to leave. My son is somewhat happily back in school (you know how that is, kind of depends on the day), which, again, kind of puts the kibosh on traveling a ton and moving around a lot. Not fair to do that to a brick and mortar schooled kid.

Apparently I'm the only one in our household unhappy with all this, so I'm kind of flailing around, figuring out what compromises I'm willing to make in the name of family.

I plan on taking one more course in hopes that maybe someday we can figure out a way for me to finish the degree I'd originally planned on - I know there has to be a way to work and go to school and clinicals and take care of my family and not go crazy while doing it, but, for the life of me, I cannot figure it out. I know it can be done, I've seen it. I just can't seem to make it work in my life.

I'm so tired of making plans that never actually pan out. I think my family is crushing my dreams out of me. Thank you, family.

What's funny, though? Is that I'm actually kind of OK with it all. Shit happens. Things don't turn out the way we want. Plans get put on hold. I can snuggle on the couch with MM and tell him he's ruining my life, and we laugh about it. It's kind of a joke, kind of not - and he knows this - but we're in a good place.

It's hard to be too unhappy with someone that buys you a birthday card on Christmas because Christmas cards just don't say just the right thing - that he loves you more than anything and that every day he's with you he loves you more. And that it's killing him that you're unhappy.

He's trying to make it up to me by being exceptionally sweet and thoughtful. And by doing all the housework and grocery shopping. It's sorta working.

So for now, I'm going to continue on with the company I'm currently working for, thankful that I have a job with them - they really are incredibly awesome to work for. And maybe I'll at last accept changing my major to something they'll pay for. English or History degree, anyone?

It does and doesn't help that I'm being lured in by their benefits. No more out of pocket costs for health care or school, no more student loans? It's really a hard to pass that up. My fear is that if I don't do it now, I'll never do it. It's like crack. Once you've sampled a little, it's a little hard to walk away. And they've already given me a raise. And a bonus. And I've got another of both coming in the next two months. The bastards.

I'm working to accept that my son and husband aren't on the same path I'm on - and that there's got to be a way for us to compromise and be happy. We just need to figure it out.


Zayna said...

I so relate to this. It's so difficult to find a happy medium between personal needs and the needs of the family.

I'm sure you'll find a balance that works for all of you...eventually.

And when you do, let me know...I could really use a few pointers myself. :)

ImPerceptible said...

I guess my postcard was pre-mature. Sorry about that.

I know what you mean about trying to balance everything. And yeah, if you figure it out let me know too.